Friday, February 17, 2006
Am i really happy?
or am i living in self delusion tt my life's perfect?
is it true or is it a trick of my imagination - sth which i made it up myself?
i keep telling myself to be happy.
i keep telling myself tt i can't be happier.
but.. is it really de case? i wonder....
"i'm really happy u noe??" i told ppl tt. but SOMETIMES it was directed to myself. "giel, u're really happy u noe?" though part of me take it as a doubt, i live in de part tt take it as a statement - an information sent to my brain, not emotion.
'best thing tt cld ever happen to me'/ 'i've nv felt dis way', sth i tell myself jus to make myself feel lik my life is betta den before.. but i cant guarantee if it was really de BEST.
i choose who i am - giel. (sub)conciously
living optimistically out of pessimism - always think of de worst tt cld ever happen and prepare myself for it. expect wad's de most ridiculous disaster. so if sth turns out jus ABIT betta den wad i expected, i'll be at least glad tt de worst din happen - though tt 'thing' may seem to be really bad frm an outsider's view.
constantly thinkin tt i'm truly blessed jus makes me feel real blessed. call it self convincing if u wan. i acquired dis skill last yr, turning pt of my life. but i noe God bless me wif wonderful life, its undeniable. yet it ain't as perfect as sometimes i think it is. but i chose to forget de bad n not think. dat may explain y whenever i'm angry / depressed / irritated, was only shortlived. cos at tt instant, i'm really pissed, omg-freakin pissed, n i'll do alot of things out of impulse. but aft i told myself to forget it, i really do (i guess).
however, it is exactly all these mindset, values, attitude, tt make me feel happy. whether it's genuine or not doesn't really matter, at least it felt real.
---it's gielosophy afterall: giel's philosophy.
i cant see my world but i can see giel's. now its ME who's talking.. telling u abt giel's life. i'm awake, but only at certain point of life. i dunno who i really am, but when i'm awake, giel finally realise more of who she is. who can ever understand? even i cant reach my world, how cld anyone else possibly do? i'm splitted up. since then, if i'm not wrong.
for some retards: i DO NOT have split personality.
it was de first time i revisited KAP ever since then.
