' shut up and listen.. '

Monday, April 25, 2005

yay.. team sajc netball won today's match against MJC, mary jane college.. nah, is meridien jc lah. haiz.. not in de mood to joke but had no idea y dis mary jane thing jus popped into my mind.. score is 50-24. de first 2 quarters were wooh! 28-3! sa rocks!

i WAS actually in a super good mood today. but sth happened n spoilt it all.. HAIZ. ok dis is how it went..aft de match n mr teh gave us de-brief..

mr teh: "giel, i think u're still too soft. frm wad i see.. i think u're not ready for de season yet.. so i'll use em as de main wa frm now."

honestly, wad's in my mind was :(part 1)" too soft? i tot i wasn't dat soft today.. but well, since u're de coach n u said dat, i shall jus agree wif u.." i jus nodded my head throughout, w/o thinkin much.

yup. i was soft. very soft, n i noe dat..cos last time my mentality was - 'as long as i dun hurt my opponent & be agressive towards her, she wun treat me dat nasty. if i start to be agressive n all, she'll moz probably, out of anger or wadsoeva, be real nasty towards me.' ok. dis mentality was wrg n i realised dat.. i start to change my mentally.. it became "i dun care who u r, i'm ga kick ur ass n so not gonna let u even touch mine." i really felt a change in me when i play my game leh. lik really, i dun feel being pushed ard by opponent anymore n dare to challenge her more.. lik today's game, i dun get y i'm soft.. WHY??? can someone tell me?! yup. i did quite a no. of mistakes here n dere..but all dese mistakes weren't make cos i'm soft ya?! correct me if i'm wrg to anyone who read dis.. cos i really wanna comprehend wad teh said.

n dis troubled me de whole day.. really. today's game caused de lost of my main 7 position in de team?? WTH! r de mistakes i made dat serious? c'mon! i bet my life no. i really dun understand y he told me i'm not ready today. n only today. n only today tell me i'm still too soft. y not de last few trainings? y not last few trainings tell me dat i'm not ready for de main 7? y only today?! damn. i cldn't understand it when i found dat OH! cos dat's wad mr bob said to him during de match. i felt so angered when he listen to mr bob at everythin.*roll my eyes* strategies, how he shld use his players n all.. i mean, "hello! u can listen to his advice.. but not follow EXACTLY wad he said! u wanna train up a team, train it up on ur own man! do u really wanna live in someone else's shadow? n giv de credit to mr bob if we win? dun u wanna come up wif sth on ur own & train de team wif solely ur ideas n teachings?" if dat's really de case, i cant bring myself to respect him. seriously.. y he let mr bob manipulate him? diao.. to me, wad a team means to a coach is.."ok, dis is my team, i train dem up myself..i'm proud of dem cos dey play according to me. dey r wad i am.." n when it comes to tournament, it's lik a showcase of a certain coach's talent..

i'm not tryin to be sore here.. but it's only now dat i feel de anger. before dis i wanna cry.. i really felt lik cryin. but i held my tears back cos i was infront of my seniors.. i tot wad mr teh said was totally right at first.. jus dat i cldn't really get wad he meant. till i asked em, atalia, jie fang & phoebe..did i ask ying shi? i cant rmb.. but all of dem told me dey oso dun get wad mr teh meant when he said i was still too soft. one of dem said it was total bullshit, which i agree too. she said mr teh was jus tryin to say sth to fit in to mr bob's comment dat i was too soft.. damn. ok lor.. thks to mr bob dat i'm not in de main team now. happy liao la.. diao.

a few words frm bob affected teh, which in turn, affected me 1000 times more. troubled really.. since dat talk till now, i cldn't bring myself to accept de fact dat i'm SUDDENLY not in de main team. if right frm de start, i'm not in de main still not dat bad lor.. but it's on de end of first game, which means de START of de season, u come tell me i'm no longer in de main team..wad the..?? can anyone feel de pain inside me?? i really wanna cry. many times when i tok to phoebe, ata n jie fang abt dis at dinner, i feel de urge to cry, but i held myself back. i cant bring myself to cry infront of dem, i cant, i dunno y.

when i rch home, my tears welled up when i tot abt dis thing again. i tilted my head back, hoping de tears wld flow back. staring at de ceiling.. i asked myself:"can u get used to sitting at de bench for 4 quads? 2 quads u already wanna die le.. needless to say, 3 or 4." i dun think he lik me.. which made me feel super uncomfortable ard him.. maybe cos i'm not used to it as in sec sch, i'm one of de apples of my coaches' eyes.. but now.. damn.

but thks alot to em, ata, jie fang n phoebe today.. aft de tok, em encouraged me alot.. she was even willing to train wif me tml during breaks.. but i tot to myself:"we dun even noe wad he's unhappy abt, how to train? dun even noe where to start.. HAIZ" but de tot of helpin was far more den enough le.. really. thks em..=) *hugs* n pls dun ever feel bad abt being de main wa cos i'm sad losing de position.. as i noe u wan ur ga as bad too.. really! i'm not angry at anyone who takes my place.. jus angry at myself y i cant meet up to teh's expectations.. or izzit it's not my fault to lose de main wa pos.. it's cos of bob's comments? i dunno.. haiz. as long as sajc wins dis competition, everythin's worth it. jie fang oso told me alot of very useful things.. *wink* really u noe, wad u said to me really helped alot. thks! *muacks* ata.. u were owaz dere for me whenever dis kinda things happened. when i felt so stressed by mr teh n all.. u're owaz dere lor. rmb de tanglin traning? which i continously stepped on millions of mines? thks alot babe! *hugs*

nth has affected me so much.. except for my last breakup wif my ex & netball trainings under teh. now i really hav no life. everytime netball, studies, netball, studies..(infinite) n now my sch life, it's netball dat makes me real sad n real happy. netball has nv been sth stressful & sad for me.. but things r so diff now.. perhaps i was jus too affected today dat my blog sounded so negative.. i hope i'll be alright tml.

but i jus feel lik cryin.. i wan to be in de main team so much u noe. it's de SUDDEN news dat i'm SUDDENLY not in de main team saddens me damn alot. i noe dat maybe bob n teh saw things dat we, players, cld not. so, since he's my coach, he got de right to manipulate me.. go ahead ba. i resign to fate.. i'm sry seniors.. i noe any seniors who read dis sure gonna giv me a good thrashing.. but pls dun first. i'm really very sad. if only u all ever realise de stress i went thru.. so afraid to step on de mines when i play.. tryin so hard to tune to his frequency when i'm 4 yrs under a diff system of play.. when i finally felt confident of myself n felt free to play on court, such shit thing happened.. mines r some terms a few of us noe. so pls, j1s.. dun let de seniors noe abt dis blog. so i'm dead. somehow i jus feel dat wif mr bob ard at de tournament venue, i wun get to play.. sat bye bye to playin in de seasons giel. go away la loser giel! shoo! lousy player..

now in my head, was to tell de j1s abt dis.. i cldn't wait to pour out everythin.. i'm keepin it inside n it's so unbearable.. i'm fighting back de tears. i miss mama m & de rest of her children..=( help me! i feel so stressed by netball.. i wanna cry. i jus wanna cry!!

deep in my heart i noe dat as long as team sajc netball wins. nth else matters. but it's de pain dat i cant endure, de pain dat i cant be de players who play anymore. being a supporter is not enouff for me, i'm greedy, yes. i bet all players r lidat too. but dat wun decrease my support for de team.. trust me.. my head hurts now.. bet it's de scrching sun today. gtg bathe n slp. nitez all.. hope i wun cry to slp..=(

penned at*11:31 PM