Wednesday, March 23, 2005
strangely, i was reminded of my past relationship wif alaric ytd.. how we overcame many tides & storms together.. how our relationship stregthened aft each quarrel.. i still rmb how painful it was whenever we had cold war & both were too strong headed to giv in to each other..n de torment of waiting for his msg aft quarrels.. suddenly, i felt a bang in my heart. images of us being together happily as well as dose times which we gave attitude to each other flittered across my mind. for a moment, i tot i haven really let things go..*confused* my mind was randomly jumpin frm one thought to another, frm flashing back(recalling de times we were together) to present state (thinkin y m i thinkin abt such things now).but i told myself to process my thoughts slowly.. i took a full short 5-10 mins recollecting back our past. even now, i'm still thinkin deeply wif each word i typed into my com.. till now, i wld say i nv knew if he loved me on de day we broke up; as deeply as he used to. i doubt so, but how i hope i was wrg. my conclusion was drawn frm de fact dat he din hold me back when i brought up de break up. which in de past, he wld. 70% of de civilisation wld agree wif me i suppose..
promises were broken. trust was lost, faith diminished. was so discouraged whenever i felt neglected. though he promised not to, he still did. sometimes i asked myself if i was askin for too much de things he cldn't provide. if dat was de case, shld i compromise or shld i give each other a chance to look for better partners? i guessed i tried to compromise & so did he. for him, too much was left unspoken & this really made me fury. if he accomodated so much & din utter a single word, how are we supposed to work things out? relationship wun last dis way.. i need someone to be honest wif me. moreover, i'm his gf.. if he din speak his mind in front of me, who can he? since he claimed dat he din approach his best bud as well.. if he really wanted to keep things to himself, it made me feel distant frm him. i wld not noe wad he's feeling or thinkin.. too much was left to guess & assume.
i was askin for too much. i told myself dat many a times. however, i've seen gals who asked for soOo much more den me & deir bfs cld provide..not in material sense of cos. or rather i noe guys who cld treat me much betta den de way he treated me. but i only loved him. i din mean to compare..if really wanna compare, i loved him much more den any other guys.. i think he knew dat dere were other guys dat treat me well, guess he made effort to treat me nicer? i dun care wad others did, i jus cared abt him, as in, to me, only things he did were great & sweet (if another guy did de same thing, i mite feel otherwise..=X) maybe dis is wad ppl called dumb? silly? crazy? or was dis love? will i, or someone who's my age, noe wad's love?
love is a burred fingerprint - untrackable, undefinable. it made me hate, made me fury, made me lost, made me depressed.. toured ALLLL sorts of emotions...& finally, ended up loving again. i oso came to realise dat if you dun think u love someone b4, u're no fit to judge if dat person noes wad's love.. because love is jus a figment of imagination to u if u hav not been in love.. thinkin how loving someone shld be.. how u tot dat person who loves u wld treat u.. bla bla bla.. but all dese wld turn out very different frm wad u tot it wld be.. dat's sth i learnt too. beautiful love stories & fanciful love songs gave me de idea dat love is wonderful, something dat cld make me stay in seventh heaven.. in reality, it cld bring me to to 18th lvl of hell too. thus, i really muz thk alaric.. he let me noe wad's love & wad love cld bring..not jus happiness, but worries, anger, sadness..etc too. though so, i'm still lookin for my fairytale.. which i believe dat love's only filled wif happiness. haha! he's de first guy i ever loved & trusted. he made me believe in dat falling in love is true.. which in de past i nv tend to believe in such things. n dat wld explain y relationships b4 him lasted for 2-3 mths only. though aft de break up, i hate love & regretted falling in love wif him.. but i noe dat's only cos i was too hurt. my mind was not clear, dere was much stupid & childish tots filled.
now dat i'm reminded of him. but dere's sth missing.. i dun feel de pain anymore. analysing my past bahaviour & thoughts was a great achievement for me. cos aft de break up, i nv had de courage to look back.. was too afraid my heart will ache. but now i'm proud of myself dat i've walked out of it. really! haha! every relationship failed has got its valuable lesson to be learnt. its oso only when u realised wad to learn frm it dat u hav got over it. every relationship failed oso let u noe more wad u truly wan in a partner & in de relationship, wad u shld do, n wad u shld not do.. thus, owaz believe dat ur next relationship will be betta. much betta. instead of thinkin u'll nv fall in love again.. u think dat u'll nv fall in love again cos u haven walk out of it.n dat's cos u haven learn anythin frm dat failed relationship.. u haven learn anythin cos of one simple reason - too afraid to look back. try to look back & analyse when de time comes.. take some time alone. & start thinkin.. slowly.. dun hav to rush it.. when u think u're ready den start recollecting. it's a kind of relief u'll feel aft lookin back.. try writing ur feelings down lik wad i did.. it'll be a 'combo' which means u'll feel much much betta. LOlx. writing is tiring.. y not try typing?=P thus, no matter wad, nv nv think u'll not fall in love again.. God wants u to love one another. marry & multiply. haha! of cos, owaz forigve & forget.=)
matters dat concern & b/w alaric & i shld all be kept inside dis chest. & lock it up. haha! aft today, dun think i'll open de chest again. de chest will den be buried deep inside..n wait for de maggots to eat it up. locking it means everythin has ended.. dere wun be any continuation to our story.. a big FULL-STOP to our relationship. while buryin it means dat i'm gonna put things behind me now & move on. i tot i had moved on last time. but i dunno wad happened to me ytd & today. so, i'm really gonna bury it now. *digs* *bury* haha! while waiting for maggots to eat it up means dat time is maggot! haha! hope it'll become faded memory.. yup! so dat i wun be bothered wif my failed relationship in de future. yup! haha! though i admit dis failed relationship left a shadow inside. as long as maggots eat it up, it's shadow will be gone too! haha! me & my logic.. yes. dis is great philosophy k?=P dis is called giel's philosophy - gielosophy. haha! *wink to fiona* de chest story.. haha!
now dat alaric & i r not keeping in touch anymore.. i tot we cld still be frenz aft de break up. but he din seem to lik de idea. he became so cold.. i noe ppl will think he's childish..(so do I sometimes.=X) but i think he needs some time away frm me too. yup. i wish him all de best in wadeva he does. giv him all my blessings & i'll pray for him one last time tonite..=) maybe a few yrs down de road our paths will intersect & i really do hope dat being frenz will be possible. haha! alaric, if u ever came across dis entry, muz rmb to stay happy owaz! n.. erm.. u hav some stuffs wif me, when do u wan it back? yup.. dat's abt all folks! take care!
*chest buried*
