Monday, February 21, 2005
my mask is fading. de mask dat i hav been wearing since 15 jan 2005..
tears behind de laughter, lies behind de smiles.. "i'm ok. worry not. haha!" but m i? i noe deep inside i'm not. de more ppl worry & ask abt me, de more depressed i'll become. i hav to lie, to keep my cheery self intact. i used more den a mth to try pick up pieces of me. de 'me' dat was shattered by impulsion - dat ended an 8 mths+ relationship. i dun wan to be reminded of him. cos everytime i do, i'll feel de ache in my heart - de unbearable, inexplicable pain dat force tears to stream down my cheeks. i tried & still tryin everythin to keep my mind off him. i kept things dat'll bring back de times we shared out of my sight. (de tot of returning & throwing everythin away crossed my mind too. but i realised it is a childish act.) i did & still doing alot of 'self-psychoing' & mental strengthening.. repeatedly reminding myself dat "giel, if u're not gonna walk out of dis urself, no one can help u. u noe u'll become a betta person & find a betta guy, de one dat was for u out dere.. only u. it's ok dat u get hurt. u'll live thru it. others hav experienced worse, u noe. urs is NO BIG DEAl." i brainwashed myself dat de pain inside me was nth, although all i felt at dat time was nth but pain.
it wasn't easy & still, isn't easy. at least, i feel much betta now. i do not feel DAT difficult to act i'm happy. cos i do feel much happier recently. seems lik my 'self-psychoing' does work.=) de times we had together were once wonderful.. but dey had became piercing glass bits - de tighter i hold on to it, de deeper de glass bits will cut into my hand.. but to me, dey're inalienable. so i muz learn to let things go & breathe de fresh air outside de confined room, i shld let go & walk out of dat room.
now i live my own life. single & free. i still do feel empty & lonely when bad times come. but dey(de bad times) rarely visit me nowadays. dey said dey may not be coming back again. so i replied, "great. stay away frm me."=) yes, i'm still recovering. at least i'm now out de stage of lamenting. soon, giel will be back again. de true cheerful, happy, optismistic giel. (dey do sound de same.. but meanings r rather diff.)
i dunno if he'll ever feel de xtreme pain i felt. it doesn't really matter to me now.. although i admit if he ever will feel sad abt de breaking up did matter to me alot. cos wadeva responses wld mean different things. but now, if i were told anythin abt him, i think i shld jus smile & say, "oh izzit? haha! i see..." & pretend i'm not interested. 'self-pscho' again & one day i'll truly be not interested anymore.
how long will i take to recover? hmm.. i cant find giel, de true giel. she's still hiding behind de mask. wait till i find her & she'll ans u, cos she noes de best..=)
